Blue Oysters

current mood: calm
I saw Daniel Kitson tonight, goddamn he was funny. But he was also wise.
The show was all about death- well, a thread wove here and there, he did waver a bit but he always came back to the point- death. He was going on about how when his aunt was dying, and he went through a period of depression and futility where nothing felt like it mattered, everything was pointless because we were all going to die.
This struck something in me- see, I'm a bit afraid of dying. In fact I'm shit-scared terrified of it. Not the actual dying part- don't care about that at all- but the leaving of this mortal world.
I don't want to leave the world. I like it. I fucking love it. It's filled with so much awesome. I'm probably the opposite of suicidal- I want more from life than I get currently get into it. That's a pretty interesting statement from someone who spends hours looking at thereIfixedit.com, but seriously- I FUCKING LOVE being alive, and anyone or anything who takes that from me is an unmitigated cunt.
Apart from the fact that I like being here, I have shit to do. A lot of shit. I haven't become an artist who is 100% responsible for her own income. I haven't been in a new-age folksy bluegrass band. I haven't bought a pub and sold art right off the walls, I haven't done the costumes for a feature length Hollywood fantasy film. I haven't seen Norway.
Sometimes I'll get a pain in my arm or I'll look at my leg and see a funny lump, or I'll go through a period of a week with getting headaches every day. and I'll have a panic attack, and think what if it's cancer/a tumour/whatever...what if I'm going to die? And that freaks me out, because I don't want to.
This whole anxiety about dying before I get shit done gives me an almost manic desire to do things. I panic about not having enough time to do all the things I want to do. I think there's even a part of me that thinks sleeping is a waste of time. Fortunately for my mind, I forget things alot, and I am even at a truly heroic level where I can forget I'm anxious about not getting enough done in life, and this in turn gives me a chance to relax and spend 3 hours watching Futurama.
Anyway- the whole point is, Daniel made me think. What if it is all pointless? So what if I am going to die? I can't tell when- cancer is just as sudden as being run down by a bus or getting some giant mysterious stroke. I can't avoid the when of dying.
But why does all the stuff I want to do matter so much? Who's going to suffer if I don't buy a pub and turn it into an art gallery where there's always beer and never silence? Who's going to live a sadder life if they never hear me and my musical mates pluck out smoky mountain mellow? Will the world crumble if I don't have a hand in a filmic adaptation of some old-school sword and sorcery?
Essentially I just realised that if I die tomorrow and don't get to do all the things I want to do...it won't matter. My soul's judgement won't be hampered, my next life won't suffer. And if it does, I won't know, so arguing it is moot.
None of this puts me in a position to not care. I still want to do these things, I won't give up on them because it might all blow up tomorrow. It just makes it easier to do things one at a time, and not freak out that it's not happening as fast as I'd like.
It helps me take it easy. And to like sleep.







